Cayden is 11 today. I know I just wrote about all three of my kids in the last post, but I needed to go into more detail for my eldest's birthday.
Everyone thinks their kids are special, and I am no different.
Other students at school call Cayden a "perfectionist," at which we both shake our heads, knowing why they say that, though quite untrue. In an unruly class, she is the one who obeys the teacher, does her work, reads quietly, and leads the groups she's assigned to. I would imagine that when her teacher is absent for the day, in his note he tells the sub, "just ask Cayden if there are any questions." She's THAT kid. In the future I'm sure she will be labeled "good-two-shoes" or whatever today's equivalent is. I see my critical qualities coming out in her often, where she often assumes the worst, some people call it pessimism, come call it realism.....in our house we often say, "don't be a party pooper!"
Cayden is practical, always. She wants shoes that are comfortable, not ones that look nice and she will wear the same clothes every day if they keep her warm. Her most loved presents have been a sewing machine, rolls of scotch tape and a heated blanket. She loves birds (especially chickens), sewing, museums, history, and books. She loves to create, but isn't crazy about playing alone. She will paint a picture just to start another, shake her head and smile when Judah breaks the Lego Millennium Falcon because she's excited to fix it.
She does love to play and TALK when she has a peer to play with. Unfortunately, our cul-de-sac doesn't have any kids her age, and all of the friends she made in 3-4th grade at school are in the other 5th grade class this year, so social play has been limited to church, where again, she is usually the oldest. She loves getting together with her cousins and playing baseball in Grandma and Grandpa's backyard.
We've also met up with my friend Alicia (who has a daughter a year younger than Cayden) and they go off and adventure together, talking each other's ears off while whacking paths in their blackberry bushes. She also comes alive talking to her best friend, Kamdyn on Kids Messenger. Today, I finally arranged for Kamdyn to come home from school with us for Cayden's birthday, and I don't know if I've seen Cayden so excited. If you've seen Cayden's room, you know the work it takes to clean up all her little projects, but she did it happily and in record time when she found out her friend would be coming over. I imagine they will spend the whole time up there chatting away. Wherever Cayden goes, she makes friends. Even on our trip across the country, Cayden made friends in NYC's Central Park.
I'm so excited for Cayden to go to middle school. Am I crazy? Maybe. I'm excited for her to have some independence, get to see her friends more, and get to be challenged a bit more in school. I'm excited to see if she chooses band or choir or theater or pottery (do they even have that?) or maybe all of the above. Cayden is good at everything she does, but she is also a bit apathetic about everything she does so it's a bit of a mystery figuring out what she actually LOVES, other than her family.
The one thing I pray doesn't happen in middle school is for her to lose her genuine kindness.
She is a happy helper, doesn't resent responsibility and shies away from very little, unless it's dangerous. She loves taking care of babies and loves to covertly annoy her siblings. She has a great memory, just like her daddy, and is often helping me remember things already. She likes telling funny stories, but hasn't mastered punchlines yet, sometimes leaving me wondering "where is this story going?" And sometimes, the story goes nowhere, it's just information she wanted to share.
Cayden indulges me when I want someone to talk to about our family history, and loves to tag along with me to museums. Somehow, this child of MINE is not competitive at all, yet she enjoys being active, indulges her brother often playing ball, loves swimming for fun and really enjoys playing softball and watching nearly any sport. From the Olympics, to Monday Night Football to Beaver Baseball, Cayden is a great fan, always learning about the rules and focusing in on the action. She will never be one of those girls who is clueless about football.
With Cayden, you usually can't really tell what's going on underneath -- that takes 1:1 time and questions.
She doesn't volunteer personal feelings often. I'm sure she feels the pressure to keep it together in our chaotic world that has existed the past two years.
On her 9th birthday (2020), we had a birthday party for her, and the next day (March 8) she and Piper got to go up to Portland to watch the Broadway production of Frozen at Keller Auditorium as a gift from her grandparents. That same day, the governor of Oregon declared a state of emergency in Oregon due to Covid-19 cases rising and by March 12, Frozen was cancelled and all schools got shut down. Third-grade-Cayden had a teacher she was thriving under, a solid group of girlfriends in her class, and when all that was banished to online school, my girl just rolled with the punches. That same beloved teacher kept teaching her through a screen, and she kept learning, but it wasn't the same, and we all knew it. Social interactions plummeted and Cayden and Piper had to learn to get along, because all they had was each other (and a little brother who only wants to throw balls). That was only 2 years ago, but man, it seems like a lifetime ago.
Last year's birthday for Cayden was...unavoidably tragic. Her birthday fell on a Sunday...our first Sunday back to church after her baby sister died...the Sunday where our church service was rightfully dedicated to Hallelujah. It pains me that this is the memory she has of her 10th birthday, but it had to be this way. This March 8, Cayden wasn't sitting watching a Broadway show with her sister and grandparents, but instead, she was standing before them with a tiny violin, playing a woeful "New World Symphony" over the tiny white casket of her baby sister. I think that was the last time she played that violin. 
She so often leaves me in awe. She WANTED to play for her sister that rainy and sunny day under that ugly rolling awning at Belcrest. Even when her notes failed and her bow squeaked at one point, she pressed on and finished beautifully. The confidence Cayden exudes seems to come so easily, and without boast. I want to be like her.
As much as Cayden seems to be a mature old soul, she also has an innocence and a need for snuggles from me that I treasure. Every night, I come into her room and sit on her bed and she climbs into my lap and I sing to her, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." She doesn't need a ton from me, emotionally (like her siblings require), but she does need these small bits of alone time that tell her I am here if she needs me.
Through all of the trauma the past year+ has held, she has told me the only thing that helps is being with me. Just being. Sometimes we talk, and sometimes we don't, but just my presence brings her security. I think that's what I've learned though the past 2 years is that my role in my kids' lives is multi-faceted, but I think the most important thing I can do is be something they can count on. I don't NEED to be fun all the time or have a clean house all the time, or even be a great cook or playmate. I NEED to be there. I NEED to be predictable. I NEED to be their thing they don't have to worry about.
I have learned so much by being Cayden's mom and I'm so excited to see what the rest of this year brings for us. As I mentioned in my last post, Cayden is in the middle of her first stage production (Matilda the Musical), which culminates in a month of performances April 29-May 22. Pretty much every weeknight, we drive her to downtown Corvallis, where she hops out of the car with her huge production notebook and her water bottle and heads through the side door of the Majestic Theater. Two hours later, she's singing songs on the way home, telling tales of learning how to solve a Rubik's cube like one of the other kids in the performance.
While a lot of the slogging through of performance prep sounds exhausting to me, she shrugs and tells me how she's learned all the words from a song she doesn't even sing in because she heard it so many times at practice. Last practice, they learned a dance and today they get to try out some huge swings for onstage for the first time, so I know she will be thrilled.
The 11-year-old Cayden isn't so much different than the 9-year-old Cayden. And I think that's what's so impressive. Nine-year-old Cayden watched Frozen on Broadway, in awe of the singers and acting and 11-year-old Cayden marvels at how beautiful their Matilda ensemble sounds singing a simple "Happy Birthday." She is on the cusp of realizing the beauty and greatness this world has to offer, even after encountering the unimaginable over the past two years. The past two years have made her more reserved, perhaps, less silly and less childlike, but God has somehow upheld her sweet heart and genuine care for others and this amazes me. I love her more than life and I can't wait to see her life unfold. The best is yet to come.
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