A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer...

Last night, Cayden was sleeping away upstairs when my phone burst into its upbeat ringtone “Dance on the Stage.” For a split second, I smiled and looked around for her little pumping fists and gap-toothed smile – she loves it when my phone rings. When I realized she wasn’t there, my heart dropped for a second and I breathed a prayer of thanks that my daughter was only asleep, and, Lord willing, I would get the chance to witness her little dance party the next time my phone rang. Maybe that’s how it feels. When your child is gone. It’s the song on the radio that your kid used to dance to. It’s the thing they would have ordered at McDonald's. It’s driving over a bump and instinctively looking in the rear view mirror to only see an empty backseat. Lately, I have been struggling to find the words to say in a world full of grief. Miscarriages, still births, strange diseases and school shootings. A couple of weeks ago, my grandmother offered me this advice: “Wit...

We had our annual pumpkin party again this year, adding one little munchkin to the mix (actually two but the Selanders and their baby Ella couldn't make it). It's so fun to see the kids growing up together!  I got them some goofy glasses to try on. Isla and Eden were gamers and Kylie just wanted to play with the googly eyes on her glasses.   After our taco dinner, the kiddos got to paint pumpkins. Back when we didn't have kids, our pumpkin parties were meant for carving. Now, they are for relaxing while our kids are preoccupied by their own version of pumpkin decoration.  The Lute girls.  Mal was the paint supplier for Cayden and Eden. And we ended the night with a little iPad entertainment. Thank God for pbskids.org! We also went to the pumpkin patch, and got another family picture.  Look how much Cayden has grown!  Here's Cayden sitting on a pumpkin last year And this year....  That one is heavy!  She ...

For 13 years of my life, soccer was my thing. I loved muddy knees, grass stains on my shorts and I LOVED scoring goals.  Now that I clean up muddy knees and grassy shorts all day, I have relegated myself to the sidelines,  lately watching a lot of high school and college soccer games that all take me back.  My love for soccer started when I was in 4th grade - back when only boys played during recess.  I found it extremely satisfying to slide down that Schirle Elementary hill to "save" a goal, and while my mom shook her head at my new jeans caked in playground mud, it was always worth it because I had found something I was good at.  I'm not sure how my fairy-like Mormon friend, Shayla, got roped into this madness but I remember we were the only two girls crazy enough to leave the gossip circles of the parallel bars and take on the boys.    When I started playing organized soccer in 6th grade, I learned about  THE ...

I love ironic stories. So here's one. My favorite thing about Adair Village is the city-wide garage sale weekend at the end of August. This year, we missed the good stuff on Saturday because we had to work an OSU game, but Cayden and I set out Sunday morning before church to see what we could dig up out of the picked over stuff. We scored bags of clothes, a coat and a sleeping bag for about $8 total, but the real score was right down the road. We had almost made it back to our house and were perusing our last sale when I noticed the family had a little girl about Cayden's size. In passing, I asked how old she was. "Almost a year and a half." "Oh, yeah? So is my daughter," I said, motioning to Cayden, who was busy trying to buckle the baby swing being sold on the front lawn. I continued to pick out a few articles of clothing from the table, then I asked when her birthday was. "March 7." NO WAY. And the irony kept coming. Their...

Every day, there is something Cayden does that just makes me melt in the madness that surrounds us. In that moment, I am so thankful, so simply happy because of an impromptu kiss or little head leaning against my cheek while she pushes buttons on the internet router.  Yesterday, it was a beautiful September 19 th , and we rushed to take daddy some bulgolgi before he had to race off to Connect Week and then we had to go pick up some garlic, but then we had nothing else to do in town.  So….we headed to Jamba Juice for a peach perfection sans mangos and we sat outside under the sun and yellow umbrella sipping our smoothies on warm wrought iron chairs.  After that, we walked down 9 th   street, at our own pace…stopping to sit in the foreign soft green grass to find the mouse in Goodnight Moon.  A group of five Asian college boys walked behind us for a while and then passed us up at the corner, saying, “so cute” through the cigarette smoke.  We stopped...

Life is crazy. My husband is always busy now with college ministry at OSU, my baby has become a once-a-day napper with an attitude and I am tired, even though I'm supposed to feel more energized after my surgery. I feel like I haven't cooked a proper meal for my family in 2 weeks because our schedules never match up to a proper dinner time. There was a long day at the hospital with some close friends, miracles I never saw coming, and the feeling that life is only going to get busier as fall approaches. Cayden is learning new words every day, including "nuts," "book," "bone," "pea," and I discovered that when she says "shoe," it could mean many things, including "two," "swing me," and "another one." She's learning that she shouldn't color on the furniture or break the crayons on purpose. We are working on potty training, but not super diligent with it - 4 poos in the toilet ...

Baby girl, you are now a year and a half year old. Not so much a baby anymore, but you are always first to notice other babies and follow them around like they belong to you. You are so friendly. A simple "hi" is never enough, so you say, "Hi.... Hi.... Hi.... Hi.... Hi." Puppies are also your favorite. Yesterday you were playing in the back yard with Macie all by yourself. I was worried she would bowl you over like she's done before, but you weren't worried. You picked up her bones and threw them for her, cringing in delight as she raced by you, knocking you a bit off balance. Your new favorite thing is reading books. Most mornings are a back and forth routine of getting on and off my lap with your blanket and "Goodnight Moon." You love to find the mouse ("Eee Eee") on every page. Sometimes you get confused and point to the kittens. Afternoons, it's "Hop on Pop," and if dad's home, we practice hopping on p...

Surgery went without a hitch. My surgery time got changed to 10am, instead of 7:30am, which was nice because we didn't have to wake up super early. Cayden stayed the night at Bryce and Julie's house the night before surgery, so we just came up by ourselves on Thursday morning. We checked in to the hospital around 9:00am and they pretty much took me right back to get prepped. Donning my beautiful hospital gown, I sat around for a while while they put in my IV port and my Scottish nurse named Val kept me entertained with her stories about being a traveling hippie in the 70s. Bryan was there waiting with me, and eventually my mom showed up too. Surgery was running a little late, but I think they got me in around 10:30 or 11am. Once they started pumping me with drugs, I don't remember much.  I woke up around 3:00pm in the recovery room with a bunch of other groggy people. I felt pretty terrible, but that was just the anesthesia wearing off. They eventually wheeled my bed to ...