Driving away

Here I sit.

Quiet house.

No baby, no Koreans, no husband.

Just me and God.


Out of the past 382 days, I have spent a total of 1 night away from my baby, and never more than 24 hours.
I have held her little sniffling frame in the dead of night, and fallen asleep with her lying on my chest.
I have loved her more than life -- she is the best thing I've ever done.

 And today, I drove away from her; leaving her for what seems like an eternity,
but is really only 9 days. It was a good thing Bryan was driving, because, yes I cried.
I knew she would be fine, I just miss her already.

I'm never home alone.
I'm always home with Cayden.




Sometimes I complain about that -- being "stuck" at home while other fun things are happening. Then I remember, these are the days I will never get back with her.

Sometimes God calls us to rely fully on him....actually, he always calls us to rely fully on him. 
Sometimes we actually DO IT. 
The world is so much bigger than my little home and my little baby.
The world is full of people's babies, who need to hear about the love of Jesus.
That is why I must leave my baby for a meager 9 days. 
Because there are more important things in life than my baby.
 -- and that's not an easy thing to say -- 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hope

Image
I had a baby girl last Tuesday. There was no pushing. No pain. No first cry. I had baby girl last Tuesday, 174 days too early. For nearly 15 weeks, she was ours. We wondered if she was a boy or a girl. I dreamt up new names. I gained 5 pounds for her. I resisted extra caffeine, snuck in naps, and even made Mother’s Day coffee mugs bearing a picture of her 10-week-old ultrasound silhouette as gifts for her grandmas. My mom hollered when she saw the picture, which foretold that her 3 rd grandchild was due the day before Thanksgiving. Then, just a week later, I wept listening to my sweet mother sing to my sweet, breathless 1.5 ounce girl “your little tiny hands, and your little tiny feet…” How does this happen? How does a baby somersaulting in an ultrasound at 10 weeks now lie there perfectly formed, but without a heartbeat just a month later? -------------------------- “Let’s listen to baby,” nurse Glenda told me after taking my blood pressure
Read more

Opening the gift

Image
I know this post is late, but that’s how it is. I don’t write things just to write them. I don’t like to be rushed. I don’t like expectations. So, this morning, two days after my daughter’s birthday, I am finally sitting down (in my bathrobe of course) with my lukewarm coffee and a sleeping baby upstairs, to write. Sometimes it feels like there’s nothing more to say. But then, there is. Because Hallelujah’s story is just beginning. This has been quite the week. Fifth & Jackson is the last place we set eyes on our baby’s sweet face and that is the place Bryan walked into this past Friday to perform a funeral. Just before stepping into that service, he found out that a pregnant couple from church had gone to their prenatal appointment and found that their baby girl had no heartbeat. The sorrow is just so real and close and breathtaking all over again. This past year has taught me a few things: 1. As much as Tucker has been a healing weight to our empty arms, he doesn’t fix the
Read more

Cayden Elizabeth Ann Bernard

Image
After 17 hours of contractions, 14 hours at the hospital and 1 blessed epidural 9 hours in, little Cayden Elizabeth Ann Bernard entered the world at 8:03 p.m. on March 7, 2011. She weighed in at 8 pounds, 4 ounces and was 21 inches long. Daddy's hands. First bath. Grandma and grandpa Bernard had been waiting at the hospital for about 12 hours! Along with my parents, and eventually 7 other family members! They sure filled that waiting room! Sun came to see us the next day, along with about 20 other friends and family members! Lauren was away at DECA state when Cayden was born, but when we got home on Wednesday, she got to see her host sister for the first time. We are so blessed! More to come of course, as time permits! She sure likes to eat!!
Read more