Friday, November 4, 2011

The moment when you feel so small

This is one of those moments.

The moment in your life when you feel helpless.
The moment when you realize this world does not revolve around you.
The moment when you have to cry out to God, pleading with him to do what he is already doing.

 The last time I had this moment, it was probably close to this time of night - 3:30 am....but I was laying in a hospital bed next to the most precious gift I've ever been given, straining my eyes in the dark to watch her tiny chest rise and fall. Sometimes I would wake in a panic, placing my hand on her swaddling to feel her tiny movements. I couldn't bear the thought of her leaving me after she had just begun. Amidst that sleepless night, I finally gave up.

 I gave up my power, I gave up my control, I gave up my daughter to Him.

I realized I cannot keep her breathing without Him. I cannot make her live a day longer than He ordains.
I cannot
He decides.

So I prayed. 
Watch over my baby.
Please don't take her away.
Keep her safe for me, because I love her more than life.
So here I am in that moment again, asking God to watch over my family.

 As I type, Bryan is driving up to Portland, where he will fly out of to Atlanta, then to Lima, Peru.
He will then be traveling into the Andes Mountains to a very remote village to teach children there about Christ. There is pretty much 0% chance I will hear from him while he is in the plan is to wait a week until he is back in the states.

A week. 

I don't think I've gone a week without talking to Bryan since he was on Camp Team with Corban in 2005. That's 6 and 1/2 years ago.

So here we go again, God.
 I have no power, no control, and no husband for the next 8 days.

Please watch over him and protect him and bring him back to us, because I love him more than life and his baby girl needs her daddy.   

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